The end of Maxine….

maxine


As we progress into 2013, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails
over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door
without using a paper towel,
nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread
because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands
with someone who has been driving
because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because
I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s handbag
for fear she has placed it on
the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks
for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO,
now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can’t have a drink in a bar
because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub
full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC
because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants
even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you
I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern ,
I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy
fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap
in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know
I can’t boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring
me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema
because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers
because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to
Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you
I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice
I can’t ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed
there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can’t do any gardening
because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
ex mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s
beautician!

Oh, and by the way…

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…

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This entry was posted in Education, humor, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to The end of Maxine….

  1. sandy benning says:

    That waa hilarious!

  2. A daily weight loss diary will show you the way.

    Furthermore, be willing to adjust and adapt and ask yourself whether you need to do permanently maintain that weight loss.
    Digital Diet What is digital dieting psychology?

    From this time on my weigh in day will be eating fast foods.
    Wondering whether you can achieve weight loss without dieting psychology?

  3. tersiaburger says:

    This is so funny I reblogged your post. Hope you don’t mind. I did link it back to you.http://tersiaburger.com/2012/12/17/the-end-of-maxine/

  4. Pingback: The end of Maxine…. « tersiaburger

  5. Ray's Mom says:

    Reblogged this on JUSTICE FOR RAYMOND and commented:
    Something to make your day.

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