Ben Crystal’s Guide to Liberal-Watching via Personal Liberty

Ben Crystal’s Guide to Liberal-Watching

As another winter of our discontent slowly releases the icy grip which not even “global warming” could break, spring has sprung across America. While the season might turn a young man’s thoughts of fancy to love; from the lobbyists’ offices on K Street in Washington to the Bureau of Land Management SWAT team armories of the desert Southwest, Democrats, their moneyed special interest masters and their jackbooted muscle maintain their dead-eyed predator’s stare in the bright days of spring. Joining them in the light is nearly every liberal who can slither, crawl or scurry.

Rather than draw the curtains and wait for another record-cold winter to silence the cacophony of Democrats’ en masse, I’ve put together a little primer to help you not only appreciate the flora, fauna and fungus you’re likely to encounter in the great outdoors.

In the grand tradition of Roger Tory Peterson, I proudly present: A field guide to liberals.

The Black-ish Flamingo (Barack Obama)


Plumage: Cavalli dresses (female), bike helmets, mom jeans (male)

Call: “If you like your plan, you can keep your plan”

Habitat: Washington, D.C.; Bill Ayers’ living room; Jeremiah Wright’s “church” (front pew – non-election years only).

Virtually unknown before the 2000s, B. Obama has become one of the most prominent liberal species in existence; despite an almost complete dearth of significant accomplishments. Of somewhat murky origins, B. Obama tends to adopt the speech patterns and mannerisms of the dominant species in attendance. B. Obama is oddly ungainly in both thought and deed; but will still attempt to engage in physical and political activities well beyond its meager abilities.

Examples: President Barack Obama, Michelle Obama

Ben’s Fun Facts: B. Obama throws like a girl.

The Gray-Topped Booby (Sociopathicus Corruptocraticus)


Plumage: Tends toward suits which match its hair and demeanor. Pinched face. Oddly small head.

Call: “Koch Brothers!”

Habitat: Searchlight, Nev.; Washington, D.C.; West Virginia (formerly).

While extraordinarily hostile to other species, S. Corruptocraticus can be distracted by large piles of cash and/or parcels of developable real estate. Unidentified sources, purportedly from inside Bain Capital, have suggested S. Corruptocraticus has an unnatural predilection for pre-teen children.

Examples: Senator Harry Reid, Senator Robert Byrd (d. 2010)

Ben’s Fun Facts: S. Corruptocraticus is capable of arguing against itself.

The Colossal Flightless Turkey (Clintoniensis Benghazi)

Senate Foreign Relations Committee holds a hearing on Benghazi in Washington, DC

Plumage: females: pantsuits, kankles. Males: dewlaps, gin blossoms.

Call: “What difference does it make?” (females) “I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” “Hey, baby!” (males)

Habitat: Chappaqua, N.Y.; Washington, D.C.; Nevada brothels (rumored).

C. Benghazi is an odd species; in that once they’ve mated, the females and males want virtually nothing to do with each other. The females are noted for their vivid imaginations and extreme paranoia. The females also display an odd tendency to badly mimic the accents of whomever they’re with. The males are noted for an almost total lack of compunction. WARNING: the male C. Benghazi is extremely dangerous; and should never be allowed near chubby women without strict supervision. The male C. Benghazi is often confused for the now-extinct DrunkDrivicus Kennedy; an apex predator which once ranged from Hyannisport, Mass., to Palm Beach, Fla.

Examples: Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton

Ben’s Fun Facts: C. Benghazi really DOESN’T know what the meaning of “is” is.

Shrieking Loon (LimousineLiberalis Hypocriticus)

President Obama speaks at the National Peace Officers Memorial Service

Plumage: Females: Botox®. Males: sunken eyes, insider trading allegations.

Habitat: Primarily blue States.

Known to build and live in exorbitantly luxurious dens while denying other species the opportunity to do the same. Female L. Hypocriticus tend to be bossy and hysterical; males tend to be aloof and creepy. Both females and males age oddly; in some cases developing either “frozen face” syndrome, or “fake-bake-itis,” which manifests in coat colors from “peach” to “blaze orange.”

Examples: House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi; Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel

Ben’s Fun Facts: Some females of the species lose the ability to blink as they age!

The Death Vulture (GunBanicus Parasiticus)

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Lady Gaga celebrate New Year's Eve in New York


Plumage: Neon cardboard, Birkenstocks, Permanently Outraged Expressions. Read more…

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